I’ve never read 50 Shades of Grey, but I imagine that if you replaced Christian with a puppet totalitarian state, threw in a bunch of German philosophy, political science and art, then revealed Christian to be a fraud, but no more a fraud than whoever the opposite of Christian is, then immolated everyone’s identity such that it’s a struggle to discern meaning in anything, then write it crisply and with a gentle, grey menace but also an aching empathy, then awarded it the Booker, you’d probably have Kairos. 4/5.